Of Being Back and Running Out of Ideas

One year. No, one year and almost 4 months, to be exact, since I last wrote something. That long!

Guess I just got tied up with photography. Not some serious photography stuff really; nothing of the sort that would let you earn big bucks. I kinda started this "Project 365" thing wherein you have to take a picture of any subject every single day. It's like documenting your everyday activities, moves and actions—basically your life—through pictures.

I was very enthusiastic at first, welcoming each day with so much anticipation, head brimming with ideas. I have done research on the Internet, checked other photographers' pictures, experimented, tried new techniques... then suddenly, I ran out of brilliant ideas.

In between taking pictures for my "project," I joined photowalks with my photographer friends and attended photography workshops. Add to that, I now spend my Fridays playing badminton, the sport that I have always loved.

I have used my DSLR for the most part of the "photo sessions," my camera phone when I don't have my DSLR with me, and have even purchased a new lomo camera (for variety, methinks)... still, I ran out of ideas. :-)

I am supposed to be done with the "project" last month but I am still 64 pictures short. My roomie told me that I have defeated its purpose. "I know," I answered her with a smile knowing in my heart that I have committed myself to it and am determined to see it to the finish.

Meanwhile, lemme go back to writing...

Boredom

Here's my two cents' worth to insomniacs out there: The best way to invite sleep is to succumb to boredom.

This I discovered while doing nothing in the office. Today is like any other day except that it is particularly boring that you would beg someone to entertain you, crack jokes at you or ask advertisers to visit the office so we will have something to do—to keep our minds awake and our bodies alive.

We are not allowed to read magazines and stuff, surf the Internet (even though we have an Internet connection) or even send personal mails.

How to spend the gap between "work" and "no-work?" Stare at the uninteresting computer screen till your eyes twitch!

Then it happened. My eyes begin to flicker like a flame blown softly by the breeze. They are half shut now, fully wide open later, then again half shut and so on—like I am lulled to sleep by some unseen forces.

See, I am on the brink of a deep slumber at 11 in the morning. Beat that. And there is no comfy bed in sight!

Vicious Cycle

"When you trust someone, trust him completely without any doubt. In the end, you would get either of the two: a life lesson or a very good person."

On several occasions that I've trusted people, I've been burned countless times also - a lesson that has been incomprehensible to me even until now.

I always promise myself to keep my distance, be cautious. I always manage to do this but only for a short period. I just couldn't will myself to maintain coldness for long.

When the bubble of anger and disappointment fizzles out, I start to loosen up. After a while, when the wounds have all been healed, I fall into the same trap all over again - trusting with all my heart and getting hurt in the process.

It's a vicious cycle.

Of Everything 'Organic' and 'Antibacterial'

"Made from organic ingredients."

"Organic cotton."

I'm tired of seeing items stamped with the word "organic" — from green tea, bread, fruits and vegetables to dresses.

How would we know if the ones manufacturing and distributing these aren't just bluffing? Are we sure these are all genuine? So many fake products have entered the market without our knowing the difference between the real McCoy and the imitation pieces. Are we assured that they're not only adding this magic word to attract consumers and increase sales?

Another word that has subtly entered our world and is demanding much of our attention is "antibacterial."

It is so "engraved" in everyone's consciousness that one couldn't buy something without reading the label first. People have never given a serious second look at labels until now.

I think it started with antibacterial soaps. Now, we have antibacterial fabrics also. Does it mean that if we use antibacterial clothes, we're already protected from illnesses and diseases?

Does it really make a difference? I've read somewhere that antibac products prove more harm than good because of the variety of chemicals used in producing these items. Perhaps, statements like this are meant to discredit makers of such products but we wouldn't know, would we?

bed bugs

reddish, flat-bodied pests have encroached our property. bed bugs! i cringe at the sight of them swiftly running for cover.

these parasites, which are very common in this country, have invaded our privacy these past few nights... putting us in their mercy, giving us sleepless nights, leaving us turning and tossing on our beds perpetually scratching our bodies like pets suffering from lice... which made me ask my roomie: which is better, a bed bug or a mosquito?

both bite. the former is like an unwanted guest, an enemy you don't want to see again but suddenly presents itself one day at your house, decides to stay for as long as it likes, creates a ruckus, leaves everyone in panic until the mortal inhabitants decide to call pest control. the latter is more like a stranger you meet on the street, just dropping by to say "hi" and "hello," then flies off to another land.

so, which of the two is the lesser evil?

good night, then. don't let the bed bugs bite. ;-)

loneliness

i feel like crying right now. i wanted to shed a tear or two while walking my way home but couldn't get myself to doing it lest people would think i've been laid off or something terrible has happened to me. i'm drowning out my loneliness with nostalgic music (the more it will send me into sentimental mode)...i'm pretending to be ok, yep, having my laptop as companion and the Internet as a means of diversion to escape from it all.

what is this? loneliness has never hit me this hard.

i wanted to watch a movie tonight but nobody seems available at the moment. all is busy with their own worries: office tasks that need to be finished, social life (and love life?) that needs attending to, etc.

i'm alone. this is the reality. i'm tired of depending on myself. i want someone to go with me wherever i want to. i crave long conversations, stimulating ones, never thinking about the time of day.

i need someone to sit beside me in the cinema, walk beside me while shopping (or just plain window shopping), sit across me during mealtimes, give me a hug when i feel that the world is falling all around me, offer cheerful words when i feel like giving up...

wishful thinking...

how long will this last? will any of these come true?

God, i'm so lonely...

some ties that just don't bind

only this year did i realize that there's always that person who doesn't value friendship as much as you or i do.

it hurts to know that i've been so into it while others aren't. i'm so considerate and thoughtful that i make it a point to be loyal to the people i consider friends and defend their person if they are attacked by insults or if somebody badmouths them. and it hurts more to learn that they are not in any way like me.

one really good friend told me that i don't give up...i don't give up on my friends no matter how many times they've stood me up or failed me.

it is in times like these that i'm given the chance to get to know myself deeper all over again. and i must say i'm better than the others because i respect individual differences, i accept disappointments/frustrations/misunderstandings initially with anger but genuine forgiveness the next.

i don't hold grudges. admittedly, revenge of any kind has impregnated my thoughts one time or another but nothing comes into fruition. i just couldn't bring myself to get back at someone just because she or he has wronged me. every time, forgiveness wins over retaliation and eventually, peace reigns.

it's just that i don't understand why forgiveness is too hard a task for some to the point of them giving up friendship just so...

one lesson from this "episode" though: some people come into your life to serve a certain purpose and one day just break the bond without you expecting it simply because they are not meant to stay intertwined with your life...they are just there for a certain time, a certain period, perhaps to impart a lesson or two and for you to reevaluate yourself time and again.