loneliness

i feel like crying right now. i wanted to shed a tear or two while walking my way home but couldn't get myself to doing it lest people would think i've been laid off or something terrible has happened to me. i'm drowning out my loneliness with nostalgic music (the more it will send me into sentimental mode)...i'm pretending to be ok, yep, having my laptop as companion and the Internet as a means of diversion to escape from it all.

what is this? loneliness has never hit me this hard.

i wanted to watch a movie tonight but nobody seems available at the moment. all is busy with their own worries: office tasks that need to be finished, social life (and love life?) that needs attending to, etc.

i'm alone. this is the reality. i'm tired of depending on myself. i want someone to go with me wherever i want to. i crave long conversations, stimulating ones, never thinking about the time of day.

i need someone to sit beside me in the cinema, walk beside me while shopping (or just plain window shopping), sit across me during mealtimes, give me a hug when i feel that the world is falling all around me, offer cheerful words when i feel like giving up...

wishful thinking...

how long will this last? will any of these come true?

God, i'm so lonely...

some ties that just don't bind

only this year did i realize that there's always that person who doesn't value friendship as much as you or i do.

it hurts to know that i've been so into it while others aren't. i'm so considerate and thoughtful that i make it a point to be loyal to the people i consider friends and defend their person if they are attacked by insults or if somebody badmouths them. and it hurts more to learn that they are not in any way like me.

one really good friend told me that i don't give up...i don't give up on my friends no matter how many times they've stood me up or failed me.

it is in times like these that i'm given the chance to get to know myself deeper all over again. and i must say i'm better than the others because i respect individual differences, i accept disappointments/frustrations/misunderstandings initially with anger but genuine forgiveness the next.

i don't hold grudges. admittedly, revenge of any kind has impregnated my thoughts one time or another but nothing comes into fruition. i just couldn't bring myself to get back at someone just because she or he has wronged me. every time, forgiveness wins over retaliation and eventually, peace reigns.

it's just that i don't understand why forgiveness is too hard a task for some to the point of them giving up friendship just so...

one lesson from this "episode" though: some people come into your life to serve a certain purpose and one day just break the bond without you expecting it simply because they are not meant to stay intertwined with your life...they are just there for a certain time, a certain period, perhaps to impart a lesson or two and for you to reevaluate yourself time and again.