masked / unmasked

it's evening once again.

i look myself in the mirror and apply cream on my face, each time dabbing away the variety of masks i wear during the day: smiley mask upon waking up in the morning to welcome a new day and to anticipate a hassle-free workflow in the office; a courage mask on the way to work to protect myself from insults and ostracism; a faith mask hoping that the day would end like i always wanted it to be - smooth, harmonious, spat-free, etc.

oftentimes though, careless and tactless judgments hurled against my person quickly cause the mask to break into tiny pieces and me to dissolve into tears.

slowly, it dawns on me that i'm only human, with true feelings, without a heart of stone.

i soon realize that i don't have to wear several masks to cover what's hidden inside. that i don't have to live my life according to what others perceive it to be. that i have to let my individuality or uniqueness shine through. that i don't have to suffer in silence just to please everybody. that i have the freedom not to conform to what society or people dictate me and not to compromise my ideals and principles. that i don't have to reduce myself to hypocrisy and lots of ass-kissing to earn goodwill and "pogi" points from someone. that i don't have to stoop down and become somebody's lapdog. no way, jose!

whether people like it or not, this is me and i wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's. so, it's either they bear with me and my full-of-contradictions / consistently-inconsistent personality or they better leave me alone, mind their own business and let peace reign.

don't coax me to bend to your unreasonable, unprofessional and partial rules which have nothing to do with work, i'd stay ten feet away from them. don't even utter chocolate-coated words to entice me to say "yes" to all your demands, they're nonsense and i tell you, i only kneel before Him. and, there's no use of pulling my leg, i'm not that gullible!

oh, it's evening once again. i turn my back on the mirror and proceed to my bed with a peaceful heart knowing that whenever i am judged harshly, i can always run to Him, imperfections and all, because He is always there not to make judgments but to pick me up and ease my burden...

misunderstood

i feel that everyone's ganging up on me. it's kinda quiet and deserted here...nobody understands me (my mood swings, quirks, idionsyncracies).

is it simply because we don't have the same frame of mind or does it have something to do with their shallow thinking or narrow-mindedness? i guess, the latter is more like it.

i don't want the spotlight, i'd rather stay in the shadows. i don't need praises & compliments, i prefer honest talks and unpretentious conversations. i crave genuine friendships and true friends, not meaningless alliances and hypocrisy. somehow, this is a tall order which is rarely found in this borrowed home / country of mine.

i miss my family who tolerates my tantrums and comforts me when the going gets tough / rough; i miss my friends who know me inside & out, who laugh at my sometimes-corny jokes, who share my tears, whose ideas / way of thinking / thoughts gel with mine. we're smart people, i know that...and smarties are hard to find nowadays.

how unfortunate of me to be working / dealing with people who don't have the sense to leave other people alone, who don't know the difference between tolerance and rudeness (except for a few).

on the other hand, i'm lucky because i have a handful of just-a-text-away / just-a-call-away / just-a-chat-away / just-an-email-away pals who are far more intelligent than all of them put together and who know the DIFFERENCE.

guess, only smart people understand smart people.

in a limbo

the thought of moving (or moving on) has enveloped my thoughts these past few days.

it brought me anxiety, fear and melancholy, rendered me sleepless...

as much as possible, i want to hold on to the usual, familiar things that form part of my mundane existence.

on second thought, it could be a sign of something wonderful, a snippet of bigger things to come, one of His showers of surprises...

keeping my fingers crossed.

first post

blog...hmmm...

friends have been egging me on to create one "since time immemorial" but i kept telling them that i'd rather write down my thoughts, feelings, ramblings, ruminations and what have you in a classic diary because i feel that the latter is more personal, more intimate.

i tried to keep my word though, promising myself to fill each diary page with writings every single day, but that promise soon vanished into thin air...everyday became every week then every month until the interest died down as i get tied down with work, domestic chores and my so-called social life which is often non-existent.

since the computer (or laptop) gets a huge chunk of my attention daily, i thought it would be wise to start blogging. cliche as it may sound, here i am, riding the bandwagon, following the path millions have trodden, keeping in mind what William Forrester said: "write from the heart."