Of Being Back and Running Out of Ideas

One year. No, one year and almost 4 months, to be exact, since I last wrote something. That long!

Guess I just got tied up with photography. Not some serious photography stuff really; nothing of the sort that would let you earn big bucks. I kinda started this "Project 365" thing wherein you have to take a picture of any subject every single day. It's like documenting your everyday activities, moves and actions—basically your life—through pictures.

I was very enthusiastic at first, welcoming each day with so much anticipation, head brimming with ideas. I have done research on the Internet, checked other photographers' pictures, experimented, tried new techniques... then suddenly, I ran out of brilliant ideas.

In between taking pictures for my "project," I joined photowalks with my photographer friends and attended photography workshops. Add to that, I now spend my Fridays playing badminton, the sport that I have always loved.

I have used my DSLR for the most part of the "photo sessions," my camera phone when I don't have my DSLR with me, and have even purchased a new lomo camera (for variety, methinks)... still, I ran out of ideas. :-)

I am supposed to be done with the "project" last month but I am still 64 pictures short. My roomie told me that I have defeated its purpose. "I know," I answered her with a smile knowing in my heart that I have committed myself to it and am determined to see it to the finish.

Meanwhile, lemme go back to writing...

Boredom

Here's my two cents' worth to insomniacs out there: The best way to invite sleep is to succumb to boredom.

This I discovered while doing nothing in the office. Today is like any other day except that it is particularly boring that you would beg someone to entertain you, crack jokes at you or ask advertisers to visit the office so we will have something to do—to keep our minds awake and our bodies alive.

We are not allowed to read magazines and stuff, surf the Internet (even though we have an Internet connection) or even send personal mails.

How to spend the gap between "work" and "no-work?" Stare at the uninteresting computer screen till your eyes twitch!

Then it happened. My eyes begin to flicker like a flame blown softly by the breeze. They are half shut now, fully wide open later, then again half shut and so on—like I am lulled to sleep by some unseen forces.

See, I am on the brink of a deep slumber at 11 in the morning. Beat that. And there is no comfy bed in sight!

Vicious Cycle

"When you trust someone, trust him completely without any doubt. In the end, you would get either of the two: a life lesson or a very good person."

On several occasions that I've trusted people, I've been burned countless times also - a lesson that has been incomprehensible to me even until now.

I always promise myself to keep my distance, be cautious. I always manage to do this but only for a short period. I just couldn't will myself to maintain coldness for long.

When the bubble of anger and disappointment fizzles out, I start to loosen up. After a while, when the wounds have all been healed, I fall into the same trap all over again - trusting with all my heart and getting hurt in the process.

It's a vicious cycle.

Of Everything 'Organic' and 'Antibacterial'

"Made from organic ingredients."

"Organic cotton."

I'm tired of seeing items stamped with the word "organic" — from green tea, bread, fruits and vegetables to dresses.

How would we know if the ones manufacturing and distributing these aren't just bluffing? Are we sure these are all genuine? So many fake products have entered the market without our knowing the difference between the real McCoy and the imitation pieces. Are we assured that they're not only adding this magic word to attract consumers and increase sales?

Another word that has subtly entered our world and is demanding much of our attention is "antibacterial."

It is so "engraved" in everyone's consciousness that one couldn't buy something without reading the label first. People have never given a serious second look at labels until now.

I think it started with antibacterial soaps. Now, we have antibacterial fabrics also. Does it mean that if we use antibacterial clothes, we're already protected from illnesses and diseases?

Does it really make a difference? I've read somewhere that antibac products prove more harm than good because of the variety of chemicals used in producing these items. Perhaps, statements like this are meant to discredit makers of such products but we wouldn't know, would we?

bed bugs

reddish, flat-bodied pests have encroached our property. bed bugs! i cringe at the sight of them swiftly running for cover.

these parasites, which are very common in this country, have invaded our privacy these past few nights... putting us in their mercy, giving us sleepless nights, leaving us turning and tossing on our beds perpetually scratching our bodies like pets suffering from lice... which made me ask my roomie: which is better, a bed bug or a mosquito?

both bite. the former is like an unwanted guest, an enemy you don't want to see again but suddenly presents itself one day at your house, decides to stay for as long as it likes, creates a ruckus, leaves everyone in panic until the mortal inhabitants decide to call pest control. the latter is more like a stranger you meet on the street, just dropping by to say "hi" and "hello," then flies off to another land.

so, which of the two is the lesser evil?

good night, then. don't let the bed bugs bite. ;-)

loneliness

i feel like crying right now. i wanted to shed a tear or two while walking my way home but couldn't get myself to doing it lest people would think i've been laid off or something terrible has happened to me. i'm drowning out my loneliness with nostalgic music (the more it will send me into sentimental mode)...i'm pretending to be ok, yep, having my laptop as companion and the Internet as a means of diversion to escape from it all.

what is this? loneliness has never hit me this hard.

i wanted to watch a movie tonight but nobody seems available at the moment. all is busy with their own worries: office tasks that need to be finished, social life (and love life?) that needs attending to, etc.

i'm alone. this is the reality. i'm tired of depending on myself. i want someone to go with me wherever i want to. i crave long conversations, stimulating ones, never thinking about the time of day.

i need someone to sit beside me in the cinema, walk beside me while shopping (or just plain window shopping), sit across me during mealtimes, give me a hug when i feel that the world is falling all around me, offer cheerful words when i feel like giving up...

wishful thinking...

how long will this last? will any of these come true?

God, i'm so lonely...

some ties that just don't bind

only this year did i realize that there's always that person who doesn't value friendship as much as you or i do.

it hurts to know that i've been so into it while others aren't. i'm so considerate and thoughtful that i make it a point to be loyal to the people i consider friends and defend their person if they are attacked by insults or if somebody badmouths them. and it hurts more to learn that they are not in any way like me.

one really good friend told me that i don't give up...i don't give up on my friends no matter how many times they've stood me up or failed me.

it is in times like these that i'm given the chance to get to know myself deeper all over again. and i must say i'm better than the others because i respect individual differences, i accept disappointments/frustrations/misunderstandings initially with anger but genuine forgiveness the next.

i don't hold grudges. admittedly, revenge of any kind has impregnated my thoughts one time or another but nothing comes into fruition. i just couldn't bring myself to get back at someone just because she or he has wronged me. every time, forgiveness wins over retaliation and eventually, peace reigns.

it's just that i don't understand why forgiveness is too hard a task for some to the point of them giving up friendship just so...

one lesson from this "episode" though: some people come into your life to serve a certain purpose and one day just break the bond without you expecting it simply because they are not meant to stay intertwined with your life...they are just there for a certain time, a certain period, perhaps to impart a lesson or two and for you to reevaluate yourself time and again.

my '25' list

for lack of better topics to write about, i decided to do some introspection and answered "25 random things about me" that has been making the rounds on every networking site i know.

here they are:

1. I'll let you in on a little secret: though i sooo love to travel, I have a fear of flying. Blame it on my penchant for following news on air disasters. However, excitement overshadows the fear every time.

2. Intellectually stimulating men turn me on.

3. Let's just say that I'm hooked on photography at the moment but don't have enough moolah to purchase the SLR cam I'm dying to get my hands on.

4. I miss hitting cocks...on the badminton court (what were you thinking anyway? ;-p)

5. I'm awed at autumn. Who wouldn't want to soak up the riot of colours and the whimsical feeling that this glorious season brings?

6. I'm consistently inconsistent...take it or leave it. ;-)

7. Many hate mint but I love it in all its forms - mint chocolate, mint ice cream, mint green tea, etc.

8. Five things you usually see on my office desk: water canteen, alcohol (sanitizer), tissue, hand lotion & lip gloss.

9. My three constant "travel companions:" a rosary to give me an added sense of security, a book of crossword puzzles to occupy my time at waiting lounges & a chocolate/granola bar to keep hunger pangs at bay.

10. I prefer fries dipped in sundae or ketchup with mayo.

11. I collect designed scotch tapes and coloured pens but it's the black pen that has been a permanent fixture in my bag.

12. I keep a collection of forensic novels by an American author but never get around to reading them all because they give me nightmares.

13. If I were to choose among meat, fruits and vegetables, I'd instantly pick the last two (and the more colourful, the better). No wonder, a former roomie branded me a vegetarian!

14. Tear-jerking movies don't bring on the "waterworks" for me. Books do the trick on several occasions.

15. I want to watch a play, which I haven't done for a looong time.

16. They say roller coasters are for the adventurous, not for the faint of heart. Guess I'm more of the latter BUT that only applies to thrill rides.

17. I'm averse to worms (but I adore butterflies) and snakes.

18. I have this secret dream of escaping to some foreign land and maybe staying there incognito for some time.

19. I cook with either olive or canola oil (for health reasons). Along this line, I think cooking is 10% recipe and 90% instinct (this from someone who is yet to perfect her cooking skills).

20. Cinema dates and window shopping are my anti-loneliness and anti-depressant pills.

21. I envy people with straight pearly whites.

22. "Beautiful In My Eyes" is my all-time favorite song.

23. I blog but seldom. I still opt to write down my thoughts on its more-personal counterpart, the diary.

24. I don't kiss ass!

25. I sometimes feel that social networking sites are a waste of time but what the heck!

;-p

muddled

i'm preoccupied. my mental to-do list is so long i don't know which one to act on first. despite writing some of the things down, my mind just keeps on adding other things on top of everything.

and, in between bouts of clear-headedness and "sanity" is my desire to write about something, something which i've been longing to share with everyone but...

... all i've got now are muddled thoughts and ideas.

which one goes first? how to start it? how to end it?

help! this addled little brain of mind needs a little straightening. its creases require ironing in order for it to focus and not wander so far.

good thing, a vacation is in the offing. it may help put my life (and my thoughts) back into perspective. ;-)

today's 'eye-openers'

from somewhat trivial events that happened in the office today, i drew these "conclusions:"

* if being accepted by a group means having to conform to the group's wishes (e.g. dressing up in the same colour clothes, following what they want even if it's heavy on your conscience, etc.), then count me out because it's total BULLSHIT! i have a brain of my own so i'm not gonna rely on yours!

* i'd rather be in the company of friends who allow me to shine despite my eccentricities than be with people who are narrow-minded and do not respect individuality.

was hibernating but now looking forward to a new season

it's been a while since i last put down my thoughts into words. i don't know what happened. it was either there was too much to think about that i didn't know what to focus on first or there was none at all. it's been a blur lately...

anyway, i'm traveling. to a distant land. to a country bordering europe and asia. i'm excited at the myriad of possibilities, at where to go first, what to do there, what to wear. from the Net i've learned that it would be chilly & rainy there. these past few days (or rather nights), hours have been spent alternating between sleep and picturing out winter ensembles in my head. ahhhh...can hardly wait.

below is a travel article (the only travel piece so far) i wrote years ago before my "leap of faith" brought me to this land. preferring to be anonymous, i wrote it using a pen name. my apologies if what were once pictures are now represented by squares. here's the link: http://216.55.163.209/e-magazine/travel/travel_corregidor.html

History lessons in the Tadpole Island Text and photos by Zhia de Gracia

ARTILLERY found on the island. It was the middle of summer, yet the sweltering heat never dampened our spirits, or kept us from exploring Corregidor island. So, just as the sun rose one fine Saturday, my friends and I left Bacoor, Cavite and trooped to the CCP Complex on Roxas blvd. to catch the ferry that would take us to a guided tour of the place (that's more than a thousand bucks).

Corregidor comes from the Spanish word corregir, which means "to correct", as it served as checkpoint for ships going to Manila Bay during the Spanish and American occupations. It is situated between Bataan and Cavite provinces. Stretching three miles and facing the China Sea, it can be reached for an hour. Named "The Rock," the isle stands as a monument for the heroism and courage of Filipino and American soldiers who fought the Japanese forces. Apart from trees dotting its landscape, the tadpole-shaped rocky island, located 48 kilometers west of Manila, looked deserted from afar. Its stillness belies the fact that it was once a scene of fierce battle.

NATURE'S BEAUTY. City dwellers may hie off to Corregidor for a dose of the island's history or to take in its natural beauty. Touring the spot is like uncovering a hidden treasure in every corner. Scattered around are several cannons, wrecked barracks and damaged structures, which provide locals and tourists alike a peek of what occurred during World War II. Upon arrival, our group, a mix of students, yuppies and Japanese tourists, was whisked away in separate brightly painted buses, that were stark contrasts to the rustic environment. Perhaps to dispel any gloom the island's history brings.

First stop was the General Douglas McArthur Park where a statue of the legendary general stands. According to our guide, this was the spot where McArthur took a boat for Mindanao and later on to the land Down Under where he uttered his famous line, "I shall return." Here, we got off the bus for souvenir shots, among a series of camera-clicking sessions in the island. Corregidor is home to a number of artillery in different sizes, which you can touch and scrutinize. At the Japanese Memorial Garden, the Japanese tourists who were with us paid homage to their dead soldier-relatives/countrymen lying among the 4,215 Japanese troops killed in the fighting. The park has a Buddha and a Shinto shrine.

Next stop was the 6,000-square meter Filipino Heroes Memorial. It shows murals of battles fought by Filipinos from the 15th century until the present. The highlight of the tour was the Malinta Tunnel, which was first utilized as an explosives store and was later converted into a hospital. We entered it on foot and found ourselves in a moving lights and sound experience written and directed by National Artist Lamberto Avellana. War scenes are depicted at different points of the tunnel. We stopped at each station and listened to the stirring dramatizations of the war's major events. I admit I was jolted by the sound effects reproducing blasts and gunfire, and was misty-eyed when the Lupang Hinirang was played at the end of the show. We exited at the north entrance where the President Manuel L. Quezon Park can be found. This is where he was inaugurated as the President of the Commonwealth for a second term. They say spirits of Filipino, Japanese and American soldiers killed during the war roam the tunnel and the entire island. The tour proceeded to the ruins of army barracks, some partly curtained by trees yet still imposing. And, if you look hard enough, you can see a couple of monkeys darting from one tree to another. HUGE BARRACKS that once housed Filipino and American soldiers.

We also drove to the Pacific War Memorial constructed by the US Government in memory of American and Filipino soldiers, and the museum, which keeps relics and mementos of the war. Last stop was the lighthouse, rising 628 feet above sea level, before our lunch at the hotel. One of Corregidor's oldest landmarks, it offers visitors a magnificent vista of Manila Bay. Nearby is the souvenir shop where you can purchase a pasalubong or two for pals and family. My friends and I headed back to Manila with heads held high, mighty proud of being Filipinos. Of course, we vowed to return and stay a little longer - to swim in the sparkling waters, discover other scenic spots we missed during our maiden visit, and perhaps wander around in the dead of night to prove if indeed spirits of dead soldiers inhabit this historical treasure.

wishful / wistful thinking

today i imagine myself meandering through the streets of some foreign land, tracing and retracing my steps, keenly observing its people, soaking everything in: buoyant laughter tinkling in the air, virgin sights and novel sounds pervading my senses all together in a split second.

i'm curious as to how it feels to spend some "me time" like this - alone, an outsider, a new face, a total stranger possibly trying to get her life back on perspective or perhaps a lost soul desperately attempting to find herself in a maze of endless "what if's" and "why not's."

will it be easy? will i allow myself to cower in fear and doubt or will i instead choose to embrace the unknown with a trusting and hopeful heart? will i be able to taste freedom in its truest sense? will i find happiness that until now constantly slips through my fingers? will i discover inner peace?

a whisper of comfort touches my ear, bringing a smile to my lips, making my eyes crinkle for a little while.

i think i can do this: be a nameless and bold person for some time, live a life absolutely different from what i have right now, meet unfamiliar people, forge unusual friendships, create true and lasting relationships, never ever writing off that Big Guy up there from this journey of mine... ;-p

sandstorm

i was down with a cold two weekends ago and i attributed it to the sandstorm that oftentimes plagues this part of the world. i remember several months before at the bus stop, waiting for the bus (that usually doesn't come on time) for, i guess, almost two hours and the next thing i knew, i was sneezing and coughing for days.

others may have gotten used to "swimming in the sandstorm" but it has never been a boon for some people (especially me) other than the obvious tourist who gets awestruck (or in this case, "sandstruck") by it. it carries dust and small particles that get into the eyes, cause pimples and all sorts of respiratory tract infections and add inconvenience to an already-inconvenient life.

as i enumerated all the sandstorm's bad virtues in my head, i then got to pondering over the past and present sandstorms in my life. i remember feeling deserted, lost and alone, never knowing which step to take, whom to trust.

how many times have i cried with only my bedroom wall as sole witness? how many times have i asked Him for direction, for purpose --- for at least, a little inner peace?

i manage to cope up every single day but every now and then, i find myself cursing this country and some circumstances surrounding my daily existence for bringing out the worst in me. i've never known i'm capable of transforming myself from a carefree individual one second to a bitch the next. it's a complete revelation to me that my feelings and inner thoughts can dip and swerve so...

then the rainbow begins to peek out from behind a curtain of clouds just when you think it isn't there, decides to stay a little longer, bringing with it a feeling of contentment and gratefulness, and disappears again.

one thing's certain: life's sandstorms accord us wisdom, and cement and gradually build up that tiny bud of fortitude because as long as we're alive, life goes on...

shameless!

sometimes, you just wonder why some people are so brazen and insensitive when it comes to other people's feelings, rights and desire for peace and a little privacy.

take the case of my 2 roomies who party outside till the wee hours of the morning and come home only to wake us up with their misplaced tipsy laughter or by doing their laundry at 1 am!

where is the courtesy and respect expected of an educated person (in this case, a woman; no, two women who studied in a reputed college which, first and foremost, extols these virtues) for her fellow human being who is as tired as her and who is entitled to sleep as soundly as her to prepare for the next day's battle at the office?

why are they so callous as to disregard good manners taught at home during the formative years and at school as early as nursery?

i thought good manners are the first mark of good breeding. in the case of the 2 roomies i am referring to, they may look sophisticated and educated outside, but inside the house, every inch of their bone is covered with shameless inconsideration towards others!

forgive my description but i loathe them because personally, there's no single excuse for being careless when it comes to minding your manners, even if it's as simple as lowering your voice and minding your footsteps once the night lights are turned off.

betrayal

at the end of the day, it really hurts to realize that there's no one whom you can trust.

okay, this is just an understatement because the truth is it's like having your heart squeezed so hard a thousand times that you are left gasping for air. that's how it feels.

it's a war out there. from now on, i think i have to distance myself a little from the people i deal with everyday to cushion myself from the vile insults and the air of hatred that permeate my surroundings.

i need to exercise caution when it comes to pouring out my innermost feelings & thoughts...

just be yourself - warts and all

today, i came across a saying which brought validation to my earlier "lamentations." the line goes like this or something similar to this: never explain yourself to anybody because the person who likes you doesn't need it and the person who dislikes you won't believe it.

how true. how very true!

sometimes, when we feel that we're so difficult to deal with or we're making other people's lives difficult, we exhaust all our resources just to prove to one person (or several) our good side --- of what we really are when we're not burnt out, when we're relaxed, when problems don't beset us, blah, blah, blah.

we scratch our heads and exert every effort to muster enough courage to justify even the minutest detail of our everyday life: rude actions, hurtful words, evil thoughts. of course, we are no saints and bad behaviour and negative reactions always overshadow the good ones.

there are instances when we get irritated or angry at the slightest provocation. we blow our top when we can't take it anymore. we're only human and "freaking out" is the best way to get rid of "toxic chemicals" and suppressed anger.

as the process (freaking out) subsides, we then realize that we're being unreasonable, so we start the vicious cycle of pleasing the ones we've hurt, explaining everything just to win them back...

i think, it's sometimes better to just gradually wean ourselves off that vicious cycle because those who love us will understand anyway and readily accept us after each "fall" --- warts and all.

yes, i don't have to explain myself to anyone. a hug or a kind word from a dear friend or a loved one mends what's torn, patches up what's broken. i'm normal...and just being myself.

masked / unmasked

it's evening once again.

i look myself in the mirror and apply cream on my face, each time dabbing away the variety of masks i wear during the day: smiley mask upon waking up in the morning to welcome a new day and to anticipate a hassle-free workflow in the office; a courage mask on the way to work to protect myself from insults and ostracism; a faith mask hoping that the day would end like i always wanted it to be - smooth, harmonious, spat-free, etc.

oftentimes though, careless and tactless judgments hurled against my person quickly cause the mask to break into tiny pieces and me to dissolve into tears.

slowly, it dawns on me that i'm only human, with true feelings, without a heart of stone.

i soon realize that i don't have to wear several masks to cover what's hidden inside. that i don't have to live my life according to what others perceive it to be. that i have to let my individuality or uniqueness shine through. that i don't have to suffer in silence just to please everybody. that i have the freedom not to conform to what society or people dictate me and not to compromise my ideals and principles. that i don't have to reduce myself to hypocrisy and lots of ass-kissing to earn goodwill and "pogi" points from someone. that i don't have to stoop down and become somebody's lapdog. no way, jose!

whether people like it or not, this is me and i wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's. so, it's either they bear with me and my full-of-contradictions / consistently-inconsistent personality or they better leave me alone, mind their own business and let peace reign.

don't coax me to bend to your unreasonable, unprofessional and partial rules which have nothing to do with work, i'd stay ten feet away from them. don't even utter chocolate-coated words to entice me to say "yes" to all your demands, they're nonsense and i tell you, i only kneel before Him. and, there's no use of pulling my leg, i'm not that gullible!

oh, it's evening once again. i turn my back on the mirror and proceed to my bed with a peaceful heart knowing that whenever i am judged harshly, i can always run to Him, imperfections and all, because He is always there not to make judgments but to pick me up and ease my burden...

misunderstood

i feel that everyone's ganging up on me. it's kinda quiet and deserted here...nobody understands me (my mood swings, quirks, idionsyncracies).

is it simply because we don't have the same frame of mind or does it have something to do with their shallow thinking or narrow-mindedness? i guess, the latter is more like it.

i don't want the spotlight, i'd rather stay in the shadows. i don't need praises & compliments, i prefer honest talks and unpretentious conversations. i crave genuine friendships and true friends, not meaningless alliances and hypocrisy. somehow, this is a tall order which is rarely found in this borrowed home / country of mine.

i miss my family who tolerates my tantrums and comforts me when the going gets tough / rough; i miss my friends who know me inside & out, who laugh at my sometimes-corny jokes, who share my tears, whose ideas / way of thinking / thoughts gel with mine. we're smart people, i know that...and smarties are hard to find nowadays.

how unfortunate of me to be working / dealing with people who don't have the sense to leave other people alone, who don't know the difference between tolerance and rudeness (except for a few).

on the other hand, i'm lucky because i have a handful of just-a-text-away / just-a-call-away / just-a-chat-away / just-an-email-away pals who are far more intelligent than all of them put together and who know the DIFFERENCE.

guess, only smart people understand smart people.

in a limbo

the thought of moving (or moving on) has enveloped my thoughts these past few days.

it brought me anxiety, fear and melancholy, rendered me sleepless...

as much as possible, i want to hold on to the usual, familiar things that form part of my mundane existence.

on second thought, it could be a sign of something wonderful, a snippet of bigger things to come, one of His showers of surprises...

keeping my fingers crossed.

first post

blog...hmmm...

friends have been egging me on to create one "since time immemorial" but i kept telling them that i'd rather write down my thoughts, feelings, ramblings, ruminations and what have you in a classic diary because i feel that the latter is more personal, more intimate.

i tried to keep my word though, promising myself to fill each diary page with writings every single day, but that promise soon vanished into thin air...everyday became every week then every month until the interest died down as i get tied down with work, domestic chores and my so-called social life which is often non-existent.

since the computer (or laptop) gets a huge chunk of my attention daily, i thought it would be wise to start blogging. cliche as it may sound, here i am, riding the bandwagon, following the path millions have trodden, keeping in mind what William Forrester said: "write from the heart."